Malayalee Christian

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                                     Christian Jokes
Stop, Thief!
An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church services when she was startled by an intruder. She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled, "Stop! Acts 2:38!"

(Repent and be baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ so that your sins may be forgiven.)
The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and expla...ined what she had done. As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, "Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you." "Scripture?" replied the burglar. "She said she had an ax and two 38's!"
 
Two thieves 
An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his doctor and his lawyer, both church members, to come to his home. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit, one on each side of his bed. The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one sai...d anything. Both the doctor and lawyer were touched and flattered that the preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moments. Theywere also puzzled; the preacher had never given them any indication that he particularly liked either of them. They both remembered his many long, uncomfortable sermons about greed, covetousness and avaricious behavior that made them squirm in their seats.
Finally, the doctor said, "Preacher, why did you ask us to come?" The old preacher mustered up his strength, then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves; and that's how I want to go."
 

 Secret Sin

Three pastors went to the pastor convention and were all sharing one room.
The first pastor said, "Let's confess our secret sins one to another.
I'll start - My secret sin is I don’t take time to pray for my church
members but my members think I am a prayer warrior".

The second pastor said, "My secret sin is that I just hate working and
preparing the sermons. I copy all my sermons from those given by other
pastors."

The third pastor said, "My secret sin is gossiping and, oh boy, I just
can't wait to get out of this room!"

Who is the boss?

Two long time christian friends meet again after many years. They both went to
school together. They both married and have children. When they met again
they ask each other how is the family life. One man said my family life is
terrible. My wife doesn’t give me any peace and she controls the house.
And the other man said my family life is wonderful. So the friend asked,
what is the secret? He said on our wedding day me and my wife took a
decision. “All major decision will be taken by husband and all minor
decision will be taken by wife”. And he added, up to this moment we had no
major decision to take. So our family life is wonderful.

The Dead Church

A new Pastor in a church visit his members and invite them to come to his
first services.

The following Sunday the church was all but empty. Accordingly, the Pastor
placed a notice in the local newspapers, stating that, because the church
was dead, it was everyone's duty to give it a decent
Christian burial. The funeral would be held the following Sunday afternoon,
the notice said.

Morbidly curious, a large crowd turned out for the "funeral." In front of
the pulpit, they saw a closed coffin. After the Pastor delivered the
eulogy, he opened the coffin and invited his congregation to come forward
and pay their final respects to their dead church.

Filled with curiosity as to what would represent the corpse of a "dead
church," all the people eagerly lined up to look in the coffin. Each
"mourner" peeped into the coffin then quickly turned away with a guilty,
sheepish look.
In the coffin, tilted at the correct angle, was a large mirror.

Pastor’s Wives

Two Pastors wives were visiting and sewing their husband’s pants.
One wife said: Our church is so boring and membership is getting lower
everyday. My husband is just beside himself, he does not know what to do
anymore. He is so tired and depressed he said he is ready to just give up
and resign.

The other wife said: I am sorry to hear that because my husband has never
been happier. Our membership is growing and we are out of our financial
burden, we have such a large and loving congregation. Life could not be any
better than it is right now.

One woman was mending the seat of her husband’s pants and the other was
mending the knees.

A Church without God

A man, down on his luck, went into a church which catered to the “uppity”.
Spotting the man’s dirty clothes a deacon, worried about the churches
image, went to the man and asked him if he needed help. The man said, “I
was praying and the Lord told me to come to this church.”
The deacon suggested that the man go pray some more and possibly he might
get a different answer. The next Sunday the man returned. The deacon asked,
“Did you get a different answer?”
The man replied, “Yes I did. I told the Lord that they don’t want me in
that church and the Lord said, ‘Don’t worry about it son; I’ve been trying
to get into that church for years and haven’t made it yet.”

In need of prayer

A young boy called the pastor of a local "corner" church to ask the pastor
to come by to pray for his mother who had been very ill with the flu.

The pastor knew the family and was aware they had been attending
another church down the road. So the pastor asked, "Shouldn't you be asking
Brother Simon down the road to come by to pray with your mom?"

The young boy replied, "Yeah, but we didn't want to take the chance
that he might catch whatever this is that Mom has."

The sin of Lying

A minister told his congregation, " Next week I plan to preach about the
sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read mark
17".
The following sunday as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister
asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read mark 17.

Every hand went up.

The minister smiled and said" Mark has only 16 chapters. I will now proceed
with my sermon on the sin of lying".

What denomination circulates in your church?

A 100 dollar bill, a 20 dollar bill, and a one dollar bill meet up at the
shredder at the end of their lives. The 100 says, "I've seen the whole
world during my lifetime. I've been on cruises in Caribbean, safaris in
Africa, and vacations in Europe." The 20 says, "Well, I've not done quite
as well, but I have been to fine restaurant and grocery store." They both
turn to the one dollar bill and ask, "How about you?" The one, not wanting
to be outdone, says, "I've seen the whole country as well. I've been in
Baptist church, Methodist church, Lutheran church, pentecostal church ..."
Then the 100 asked, "What's a church?"

Special Joke

Three boys are bragging about their dad. The first says: "when my dad
writes something called a poem he gets like $100 for it." Says the second
boy: "that's nothing! If my dad writes something called a song he get's
like $200 for it." To which the third boy replies: "when my dad writes
something called a sermon, after he's done reading it, it takes like eight
people to collect all the money for it.

Joke

A brand new pastor came out to his first church. As usually seems to be
the case, several of the Great Old Saints waited for their new pastor to
die. Consequently in four weeks he did eight funerals. He did not have
time to write his regular Sunday Sermons. So he used the sermon from the
Sunady before - 3 more times. The Council went to the Bishop complaining
that this new pastor had used the same sermon 4 times in a row. The Bishop
asked what the sermon was about. The Council couldn't remember, they
scratched their heads and hemmed and hawed - but they really couldn't
remember. The Bishop said, "Let him use it one more time."

Minister and the Police Officer
A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn’t find a space with a meter.

So he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: “I have circled the block 10 times. If I don’t park here, I’ll miss my appointment. FORGIVE US OUR TRESPASSES.”

When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note. “I’ve circled this block for 10 years. If I don’t give you a ticket, I’ll lose my job. LEAD US NOT INTO TEMPTATION.”