Stop, Thief! An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church services when she was startled by an intruder. She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled, "Stop! Acts 2:38!"
(Repent and be baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ so that your sins may be forgiven.) The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and expla...ined what she had done. As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, "Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you." "Scripture?" replied the burglar. "She said she had an ax and two 38's!"
An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his doctor and his lawyer, both church members, to come to his home. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit, one on each side of his bed. The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one sai...d anything. Both the doctor and lawyer were touched and flattered that the preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moments. Theywere also puzzled; the preacher had never given them any indication that he particularly liked either of them. They both remembered his many long, uncomfortable sermons about greed, covetousness and avaricious behavior that made them squirm in their seats. Finally, the doctor said, "Preacher, why did you ask us to come?" The old preacher mustered up his strength, then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves; and that's how I want to go."
Three pastors went to the pastor convention and were all sharing one room. The first pastor said, "Let's confess our secret sins one to another. I'll start - My secret sin is I don’t take time to pray for my church members but my members think I am a prayer warrior".
The second pastor said, "My secret sin is that I just hate working and preparing the sermons. I copy all my sermons from those given by other pastors."
The third pastor said, "My secret sin is gossiping and, oh boy, I just can't wait to get out of this room!"
Who is the boss?
Two long time christian friends meet again after many years. They both went to school together. They both married and have children. When they met again they ask each other how is the family life. One man said my family life is terrible. My wife doesn’t give me any peace and she controls the house. And the other man said my family life is wonderful. So the friend asked, what is the secret? He said on our wedding day me and my wife took a decision. “All major decision will be taken by husband and all minor decision will be taken by wife”. And he added, up to this moment we had no major decision to take. So our family life is wonderful.
The Dead Church
A new Pastor in a church visit his members and invite them to come to his first services.
The following Sunday the church was all but empty. Accordingly, the Pastor placed a notice in the local newspapers, stating that, because the church was dead, it was everyone's duty to give it a decent Christian burial. The funeral would be held the following Sunday afternoon, the notice said.
Morbidly curious, a large crowd turned out for the "funeral." In front of the pulpit, they saw a closed coffin. After the Pastor delivered the eulogy, he opened the coffin and invited his congregation to come forward and pay their final respects to their dead church.
Filled with curiosity as to what would represent the corpse of a "dead church," all the people eagerly lined up to look in the coffin. Each "mourner" peeped into the coffin then quickly turned away with a guilty, sheepish look. In the coffin, tilted at the correct angle, was a large mirror.
Two Pastors wives were visiting and sewing their husband’s pants. One wife said: Our church is so boring and membership is getting lower everyday. My husband is just beside himself, he does not know what to do anymore. He is so tired and depressed he said he is ready to just give up and resign.
The other wife said: I am sorry to hear that because my husband has never been happier. Our membership is growing and we are out of our financial burden, we have such a large and loving congregation. Life could not be any better than it is right now.
One woman was mending the seat of her husband’s pants and the other was mending the knees.
A Church without God
A man, down on his luck, went into a church which catered to the “uppity”. Spotting the man’s dirty clothes a deacon, worried about the churches image, went to the man and asked him if he needed help. The man said, “I was praying and the Lord told me to come to this church.” The deacon suggested that the man go pray some more and possibly he might get a different answer. The next Sunday the man returned. The deacon asked, “Did you get a different answer?” The man replied, “Yes I did. I told the Lord that they don’t want me in that church and the Lord said, ‘Don’t worry about it son; I’ve been trying to get into that church for years and haven’t made it yet.”
In need of prayer
A young boy called the pastor of a local "corner" church to ask the pastor to come by to pray for his mother who had been very ill with the flu.
The pastor knew the family and was aware they had been attending another church down the road. So the pastor asked, "Shouldn't you be asking Brother Simon down the road to come by to pray with your mom?"
The young boy replied, "Yeah, but we didn't want to take the chance that he might catch whatever this is that Mom has."
The sin of Lying
A minister told his congregation, " Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read mark 17". The following sunday as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read mark 17.
Every hand went up.
The minister smiled and said" Mark has only 16 chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying".
What denomination circulates in your church?
A 100 dollar bill, a 20 dollar bill, and a one dollar bill meet up at the shredder at the end of their lives. The 100 says, "I've seen the whole world during my lifetime. I've been on cruises in Caribbean, safaris in Africa, and vacations in Europe." The 20 says, "Well, I've not done quite as well, but I have been to fine restaurant and grocery store." They both turn to the one dollar bill and ask, "How about you?" The one, not wanting to be outdone, says, "I've seen the whole country as well. I've been in Baptist church, Methodist church, Lutheran church, pentecostal church ..." Then the 100 asked, "What's a church?"
Three boys are bragging about their dad. The first says: "when my dad writes something called a poem he gets like $100 for it." Says the second boy: "that's nothing! If my dad writes something called a song he get's like $200 for it." To which the third boy replies: "when my dad writes something called a sermon, after he's done reading it, it takes like eight people to collect all the money for it.
A brand new pastor came out to his first church. As usually seems to be the case, several of the Great Old Saints waited for their new pastor to die. Consequently in four weeks he did eight funerals. He did not have time to write his regular Sunday Sermons. So he used the sermon from the Sunady before - 3 more times. The Council went to the Bishop complaining that this new pastor had used the same sermon 4 times in a row. The Bishop asked what the sermon was about. The Council couldn't remember, they scratched their heads and hemmed and hawed - but they really couldn't remember. The Bishop said, "Let him use it one more time."
Minister and the Police Officer A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn’t find a space with a meter.
So he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: “I have circled the block 10 times. If I don’t park here, I’ll miss my appointment. FORGIVE US OUR TRESPASSES.”
When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note. “I’ve circled this block for 10 years. If I don’t give you a ticket, I’ll lose my job. LEAD US NOT INTO TEMPTATION.”